Jun 11 2012

The Best & Coolest Things: Crown Condoms

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I’m starting something new. I’m going to be doing reviews of things I like. The way I go about buying most things is I spend a few hours researching and reading reviews, then buy the things that are a good cross between being affordable and working decently. Some things are not as easy to judge by reading online reviews, so then I try a bunch of different things in that category until I find something that’s great. The initial time/effort spent researching pays off because then I usually end up with something that works well.

So to kick this off, I’m going to start with my favorite condom. A few years ago, I started my hunt for the best condom after getting tired of using whatever condoms I had around the house. I used to be a peer sex ed counselor in undergrad and they gave out condoms like candy, so I always had some lying around. Most of those were drugstore types like Durex/Lifestyles.

The biggest complaint I had with those condoms was that they felt too thick. You know, the wearing-a-raincoat feeling. Yes, women feel it too, not just guys. The biggest difference between having sex with and without a condom is the “warmth” factor. With most of the condoms I’ve tried, there was too much of a barrier where you can’t feel the “warmth” that you get from skin-to-skin non-condomed sex.

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Jun 10 2012

Ask Me: “My girlfriend died of cancer and I’m not sure if I’m ready to date”

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Q: “I’ve read some of your comments and if you can lend an ear I think that would be great. I feel frustrated that some of my guy friends who have 3-4 girlfriends at once treat women like crap and have nice girlfriends, and here I am single and I am often overlooked. I can say I am a lot more confident than I used to be, but maybe it is because I have been through a lot in my life. I am so fearful of being taken advantage of and it has so far happened twice. I am looking for a girlfriend, and I am looking for a committed relationship. I have never cheated or had sex with random people, and I consider myself to be a nice guy to everyone and respect everyone. I was raised to treat women with even more respect, and I would never hurt and or play games with anyone, especially someone I was romantically involved with.

When I was 19 I was dating my girlfriend for 6 months before she was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a terminal stomach cancer. She wanted me to leave and I decided to stay. I cared for her for 6 years before she passed away, and every day was like seeing her live her last day. I had to help her shower, bathe, and get dressed to leave to doctor’s appointments. I also worked full-time, paid the bills and I felt like my life ended when she died. Shortly before she died she was raped by a homeless man and after 2 years, I still feel like a part of me has died and I haven’t been quite the same.

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Jun 6 2012

Part 9: More examples of what it means to be “unsafe”

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Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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I’ve been getting some feedback asking if I can talk more about what ‘unsafe’ behavior is. Sure. I’ll do this in 2 parts, with “self-assurance, not giving a fuck, and being secure with yourself” in this post, and [how to build] “confidence” in another. Truthfully, I can say it in as many different ways as I want, but at the end of the day, self-assurance + not giving a fuck + being secure with yourself = being confident.

Before getting to the examples, I’m going to start by introducing a few people who I’ll be referring to later, Vincent and Victoria. Vincent is French and also lived in the same dorm where Tim and I met. We didn’t know him well while we were living there, but look a chance and added him as our final roommate when we were moving out of the dorm. It worked out in the end because he turned out to be a great roommate. Vincent met Victoria a few months after we all moved in together. Victoria is Chinese, has been in the States for a number of years, and she’s one of those girls I really get along with because she’s straight-forward and says whatever. These two met in Berkeley while they were both in grad school for engineering. Last year they moved out-of-state for work, but still visit Berkeley every few months. Moving on to the examples now..

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Jun 5 2012

Comment of the Day: Rejection

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Hi, and welcome to the new site. Feel free to email me if you notice any issues with it, like broken links or problems loading the page.

To kick off, I picked a great comment from Redditor impotent_rage, who responded to these lines from Part 8:

He respected my decision, didn’t try anything, and really just backed off, but without being awkward or rude. I’ve told guys in the past I wasn’t interested, and some got really shitty and offended and couldn’t handle rejection very well. Those guys were childish, and Tim was not. I was impressed. His maturity at handling the situation combined with the fact that he wasn’t chasing me any more made me see him in a different light.

“This right here. I can’t even begin to tell you how important it is, the way you handle rejection. Guys who handle rejection with maturity become instantly more attractive (sometimes to the point that it reverses the rejection). Guys who become, well, not so mature, it makes me so glad that I made the decision to reject them. This includes getting too pouty or sad, or even worse – getting angry or defensive or “sour grapes” about it.

You learn a lot (a lot!) about a guy from how he reacts to rejection. You learn whether he was secretly overly invested in you (which indicates that his value is too low compared to yours), you learn whether he has maturity and self-awareness to be able to handle disappointment and frustration well, you learn whether he is entitled or egotistical. I think that you learn more about a guy when you reject him, than you ever do by dating him. It’s no surprise that rejected guys sometimes go on to get the girl, if they are able to handle rejection with grace and confidence.”

So very true, and well-said. I’ve had a few experiences with the “sour grapes” thing. One of the experiences is chronicled in Part B of the How To Be Young and Stupid story, and there are definitely more to be written about. So, final lesson? This one’s short. Men, don’t be dicks when women reject you. You never know what positive outcomes may await you..





Jun 3 2012

Pacing, kids on planes, Google Adsense, etc.

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(OkCupid original post date: 6/3/12)

Have you ever had so much to do that you just end up doing nothing? I’m in a hotel room in South Carolina with all these things running through my mind that I should be doing, but all I’ve been able to do for the last 15 minutes is pace around the room, walking from the door to the balcony and back.

Yesterday I had to leave for the airport at 5am, and since I veer towards nocturnalism anyway, decided to just stay up instead of sleeping for a few crappy hours. Figured I could sleep on the plane later. Then while waiting in the security line at SFO, I started getting a flourish of ideas for “Nice Guy” posts about sexual tension, confidence, and physical appearance. I scribble these down on a notepad while kicking my luggage forwards in the line so it doesn’t get left behind. Then I get on the plane, and see about 6 strollers folded up and waiting to be loaded on. I’m thinking, fuck, I’m never going to be able to sleep on this flight. I find my seat. There are two twin boys who are about 2 years old sitting in front of me, and a girl who’s about 3-4 sitting behind me. Shit, right?

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Jun 1 2012

Comment of the Day: “Just Being”

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Today’s comment of the day comes from Redditor Bhorzo.

“When you distill attraction down to its core, “just being” is what it’s all about. Women are attracted to men who aren’t afraid of “just being” themselves.”

Yes. Absolutely. I’ve tried to convey this same message throughout my posts, but have never been able to do it in two neat sentences. What is the main point of this comment? It’s about having confidence.

Some other examples:

A commenter on OkCupid who read Part 1 said, “I agree with you, except for the “Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has a “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.” Some of us, unfortunately, would probably not have any friends at all if we took that attitude, and we’d be pretty unhappy.”

My response: “In my post, “not giving a fuck” is not the same as “being a dick”. If you’re a nice guy, you can still not give a fuck, but you probably won’t offend many people because deep down, you are a nice person. A nice person, for instance, would know better than to tell someone, “You’re only 30? You look twice your age!” That’s being a dick. Not giving a fuck is like a guy thinking “Hmm, yoga looks like fun. I should take a few classes.” Then he does.

Caring too much about what other people think is more like, “Hmm, yoga looks like fun. But isn’t that something mostly girls do? What if people start making fun of me because I’m doing yoga? What if they think I’m a sissy? Ugh, I better not.” In the first case, the guy is confident enough to just do the yoga classes. He doesn’t give a shit what people think of him. The second guy is so wrapped up in his thoughts about what others think, he’s missing out on doing something he wants to.

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May 31 2012

A Message to Redditors

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Many updates, but first, a message for people on the FA:Improvement and Seddit forums on Reddit. Holy crap guys. Do you want to know what happened after my blog was linked to Reddit? This is what happened:

Photobucket

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May 31 2012

Comment of the Day: Superman

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I’m rolling out a new feature. It’s called “Comment of the Day”. I have a collection of awesome comments, emails, and messages from friends, OkCupid, Reddit, and books that have to do with the topics on this blog. Let’s start off with one from a friend, who said he wants to be referred to as “RJD2” on this blog.

“It just occurred to me that your “safe/unsafe” thing might be best understood (to my neolithic mind) in terms of the “dysfunctional love triangle” of Lois Lane and Clark Kent as/not as Superman. Clark loves her, she loves Superman, and he…he is busy saving the world. She never wanted him to take off his cape for her. Check out the Wikipedia of the relationship between Clark and Lois.

Yes. So perfect.





May 31 2012

Ask Me: “Being Unsafe: Should I Fake It Until I Make It?”

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Q: “I used to be a classic nice guy, but in the last months I’ve been radically changing all of that and the success I’ve seen as a result has been really significant. How do you feel about “fake it til you make it”? Because that’s where I feel I’m at in this point. Everything I do on the outside are the characteristics that you describe as the Good Unsafe, but on the inside, I still feel like a classic nice guy. It’s working as I’ve been dating a lot more, got a girlfriend (then broke up with her 2 months later because I didn’t feel chemistry) and all that. But I still feel I haven’t achieved a core identity level change. Being Good Unsafe still feels unnatural to me. I don’t want to have to think about being Good Unsafe. I just want to BE Good Unsafe? Not sure if I’m making any sense here, but any advice?”

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May 30 2012

The Kindness of Strangers

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Hi Redditors. I’m coming to visit you soon. Thank you for reading the posts.

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(OkCupid original post date: 5/29/12)

You know what I love about this world? The people in it. Yes. It’s time to stop reading this now if you’re a misanthrope. In the last 24 hours, I’ve been trying to make a website. Not a WordPress blog, an actual purchased domain thing. I’ve been getting quite a bit of traffic on my blog [almost 13,000 hits], and I have a few more months before grad school starts, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try and turn this into a kind of part-time job. I had no idea where to start. I googled a few things, bought a month of hosting time, then I was stuck. I used the ‘live chat’ function on the hosting website, then started chatting with “Noel D”. My style of chatting could be construed as “annoying” where I think of something then hit send. If you’ve read any of my writing, it’s very similar. Stream of consciousness type thing, like so:

so

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