Aug 15 2013

Part 14: I’m a virgin. How do I talk about this with women?

datingwtf

The following is part of a series of questions and answers that I did on a Reddit self-improvement forum in Aug 2013.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Q: How do I answer the question: “Why are you still a virgin?” when the answer is simply no one ever wanted to have sex with me, which is apparently the wrong answer. Also, I refuse to lie. This question is always brought up when I’m talking to a girl and she eventually starts talking about ex-bfs then asks about my ex’s, I say I don’t have any, then asks if I’ve ever been on a date, the answer is no, then this leads to asking if I’ve ever had sex.”

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Feb 3 2013

Part 13: Social Anxiety

datingwtf

The following is part of a series of questions and answers that I did on a Reddit self-improvement forum in Jan 2013. This was a question from user mcthrowawaymyes, and the response is the one that created the Reddit craziness. Answer has been edited slightly for clarity.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Q: It seems that one of the big steps of FA improvement is simultaneously not caring as much about others opinions and developing self confidence and a positive self image. The usual advice is that picking up hobbies or getting good at SOMETHING will give you the confidence you need and free you from trying to please others, put them on the pedestal, etc. It’s my belief that hobbies and a lifestyle are means to an end, and effective tools, but they themselves don’t have the power to make you grow into the person you want to be. I feel they’re just a guide to some philosophy, some train of thought that lays out the facts of life clearly and puts things in perspective, making you realize how little the opinion of strangers matter (in day to day interactions), and how you’re a person that is deserving of love and respect.

I consciously know these things, but I don’t believe them. I don’t feel like a “viable” choice. Second rate. What has your experience taught you? Any line of thought like I was suggesting, or something different, something subconscious? If so, what was it?

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Jan 21 2013

Part 12: The Jessica Example

datingwtf

The following is part of a series of questions and answers that I did on a Reddit self-improvement forum in Jan 2013. This was a question from user shakedown_st. Answer has been edited slightly for clarity.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Q: Hi Anna, thanks for doing this AMA [Ask Me Anything] on our little subreddit.

I made a post that garnered a lot of attention here. There is one part that a lot of people, particularly women, seemed to take issue with and I’ll highlight it here.

Let’s take a hypothetical situation: It’s 3:52pm. You have plans to lift in the gym from 4pm to 5pm. All of a sudden your crush calls you up on the phone crying. She got into another fight with her boyfriend and instinctively called you because you’ve always been there for her during those times. You’re a sensitive guy, and girls like that, right? So you think, I need to be there for her right now. Maybe now she’ll realize I’m the guy she’s supposed to be with. You think you can skip this one workout and make it up on an off-day or something. You tell her everything is going to be okay and that you’ll be over to her place in 10 minutes.

Cue cycle of Forever Alone.

Let’s rewind to 3:52pm. You’ve been working on self improvement for two or three weeks now. You’ve read No More Mr. Nice Guy and the posts in the sidebar. You’ve started to see things a little differently — recognizing patterns in your own behavior that needs to change for the better. You’re about to tell her that you’ll be over there in 10 minutes, when you suddenly catch yourself. No, not this time. “That’s tough Jessica. I understand you’re going through a difficult time right now, but I’m running late to the gym. Afterwards, I’m headed out with Ryan and Chris for a jam session. I’m sure you and your boyfriend will get through this, but unfortunately I gotta go.” As a classic forever alone nice guy, it is almost impossible to wrap your head around this…But you are a better and more attractive man in this second scenario, than you are the first. And you are not being an asshole either. You are just a busy man with obligations, hobbies, interests that you love doing and that take precedence over some girl’s emotional distress.

I was honestly thinking about your blog when I wrote this. That the guy in the two hypothetical situations represented the ‘bad safe’ vs. ‘good unsafe’ respectively. What are your thoughts on this?

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Jun 25 2012

Part 11: Physical appearance + insecurities + confidence

datingwtf

Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Let’s talk about physical appearance. I’m not going to say that looks aren’t important. If you’re a good-looking dude with a nice body who dresses well, you’re going to get more attention from women. Attractive women also get more attention from men, that’s a no-brainer. But here’s the part where I say, “Looks aren’t everything,” and I absolutely mean it. I’ve come across a few guys in my life where I have thought, “Not if you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman and the future of the world depended on us.” Guess what? Who cares what I thought. These guys were still getting women. And not just women, but attractive women. I saw it with my own eyes.

Some of these guys did not have nice-looking faces. Some were way shorter than average. Some were overweight. Some had uni-brows. Some were a combination of all that. It did not matter. These guys did not have difficulties with women. You know how sometimes when you see a couple together you’re like, “How in the world did he get her?” Yeah, I’m talking about those guys.

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Jun 13 2012

Part 10: The importance of sexual tension in “closing” or “sealing the deal”

datingwtf

Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Can you believe this is post 10 and I’m still coming up with shit to write about on this topic? Since I am, let’s make this one a little more sexy to celebrate.

So let’s talk about sexual tension. You’ve likely come across this term before, and may have heard it being described as the “sparks,” “electricity,” or “chemistry” between two people. Let me try to explain to you what strong sexual tension actually feels like. Imagine that you’re watching a porno or reading some erotic fiction, and it’s good stuff. You *really* want to reach down and beat your meat, but your hands are chained to your chair and no matter what you do, you can’t move your hands closer. Sounds like torture, doesn’t it?

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Jun 6 2012

Part 9: More examples of what it means to be “unsafe”

datingwtf

Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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I’ve been getting some feedback asking if I can talk more about what ‘unsafe’ behavior is. Sure. I’ll do this in 2 parts, with “self-assurance, not giving a fuck, and being secure with yourself” in this post, and [how to build] “confidence” in another. Truthfully, I can say it in as many different ways as I want, but at the end of the day, self-assurance + not giving a fuck + being secure with yourself = being confident.

Before getting to the examples, I’m going to start by introducing a few people who I’ll be referring to later, Vincent and Victoria. Vincent is French and also lived in the same dorm where Tim and I met. We didn’t know him well while we were living there, but look a chance and added him as our final roommate when we were moving out of the dorm. It worked out in the end because he turned out to be a great roommate. Vincent met Victoria a few months after we all moved in together. Victoria is Chinese, has been in the States for a number of years, and she’s one of those girls I really get along with because she’s straight-forward and says whatever. These two met in Berkeley while they were both in grad school for engineering. Last year they moved out-of-state for work, but still visit Berkeley every few months. Moving on to the examples now..

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May 27 2012

Part 8: Getting out of the friend-zone

datingwtf

Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Part A: Nice and safe.

Ah, the dreaded friend-zone. The nice guy’s greatest adversary. But, do not fret. Today’s thoughts are about how you can get out of the friend-zone. It happens, all the time. How do I know this? Because some of the guys I’ve dated/had relations with started out as friends. I’ve also heard quite a few “how we met” stories where the woman “changed her mind” about a guy she originally friend-zoned.

I’ll start with a story: the story of how I met my current partner, a person who is very much a ‘nice guy’. I mentioned in a previous post, “I met the person I’m currently dating in our college dorm. He was a grad student, I was an undergrad, and we were across-the-hall neighbors. This wasn’t your typical college dorm. There was a good mix of upper-division undergrads, grads, and post-docs, and about half the residents were international students.” So let’s carry on from there.

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May 22 2012

Part 1: “Safe” guys vs. “Unsafe” guys

datingwtf

(OkCupid original post date: 4/12/12)

For reference – the safe/unsafe chart, which originated in Part 7:

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Please, if you’re the type of guy who’s like, “All girls just want to date assholes. Nice guys always finish last. Girls are bitches,” then don’t read this. It’s not going to help. It might be helpful if you’re actually a nice guy and don’t just think you are one. Because actual nice guys don’t think like that.

“Be confident. Women are attracted to guys who have confidence.”

What does that actually mean? I keep hearing this and it’s not very specific or informative. Confidence. There are so many ways this can be interpreted. You could be an amazing guitar player, excellent at killing zombies online, have a PhD and numerous publications, or be the best damn cook you know. In these cases, you’re probably very confident at what you do. But these skills do not necessarily equate to being able to attract girls. Confidence in dating is something different, and there are certain traits that convey this confidence. I’ll try to explain… Continue reading


May 22 2012

Part 2: What you shouldn’t do if she breaks up with you

datingwtf

(OkCupid original post date: 4/13/12)

Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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I’ve been thinking about what I wrote yesterday about nice guys and dating, and one thing I’d really like to emphasize is that learning how to be “unsafe” is not only beneficial for you to get girls, but also for your own sake. It’s very healthy to be your own person and not let someone have too much power over you. It will help you in the long run too, if a relationship doesn’t work out.

An example: I have this friend on Facebook, who’s more like a friend of a friend, and I’ve only ever chatted with him once. Let’s call him Ty. At the time of our conversation, Ty had never been in a relationship before. He was the embodiment of a “safe” guy. Fast forward 6 months or so, and he’s met a girl. She’s substantially more attractive than he is, and isn’t shy about posting photos of herself posing in midriff tops and bikinis. Every other day or so, Ty would update his status saying how much he loves this girl, how this is the happiest he’s ever been, and how waking up to her beautiful face was the best part of his day. I’m thinking, “Shit, this is not going to end well if they break up.”

The relationship lasts for about a year. She breaks up with him. How do I know? Continue reading


May 22 2012

Part 3: How to figure out if the friend you like actually likes you back

datingwtf

(OkCupid original post date: 4/30/12)

You know that girl you like? The one you see at work/have the same class with but you’re just friends? You want it to be more, but you’re unsure about how she feels about you, and you don’t want to wreck a good friendship if it turns out she’s not into you. Here’s a tip for finding out without making things weird between you two. Continue reading