Jan 6 2013

Ask Me: “When is it a good time to ask someone you meet online out on a date?”

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Q: “Hi, I don’t know if you handle relationship inquiries at all, but I had one for you that is specific to OkCupid. A friend of mine who’s been using the site for a while was giving me advice and helping me create the profile, and when he checked in about my progress, I told him that I’d received some messages, but no dates had materialized. I’ve generally been asking people to meet up after the first couple of messages, and he said that’s where I was going wrong.

My issue is this- I am on OkCupid to meet people, in person. I think of this site as the equivalent of walking down the street- you see someone pretty and if its appropriate you walk over, introduce yourself and ask them if they would like join you for drinks sometime. I don’t want to waste a lot of time exchanging messages with people, because I think that the fun of dating is asking/answering all these questions face to face. Also, you get to keep things a mystery that way- where you reveal things but its in the context of “we’re already out on a date…” So, in your opinion, when’s the best time to suggest a face-to-face meetup?”

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Jun 10 2012

Ask Me: “My girlfriend died of cancer and I’m not sure if I’m ready to date”

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Q: “I’ve read some of your comments and if you can lend an ear I think that would be great. I feel frustrated that some of my guy friends who have 3-4 girlfriends at once treat women like crap and have nice girlfriends, and here I am single and I am often overlooked. I can say I am a lot more confident than I used to be, but maybe it is because I have been through a lot in my life. I am so fearful of being taken advantage of and it has so far happened twice. I am looking for a girlfriend, and I am looking for a committed relationship. I have never cheated or had sex with random people, and I consider myself to be a nice guy to everyone and respect everyone. I was raised to treat women with even more respect, and I would never hurt and or play games with anyone, especially someone I was romantically involved with.

When I was 19 I was dating my girlfriend for 6 months before she was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, a terminal stomach cancer. She wanted me to leave and I decided to stay. I cared for her for 6 years before she passed away, and every day was like seeing her live her last day. I had to help her shower, bathe, and get dressed to leave to doctor’s appointments. I also worked full-time, paid the bills and I felt like my life ended when she died. Shortly before she died she was raped by a homeless man and after 2 years, I still feel like a part of me has died and I haven’t been quite the same.

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May 31 2012

Ask Me: “Being Unsafe: Should I Fake It Until I Make It?”

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Q: “I used to be a classic nice guy, but in the last months I’ve been radically changing all of that and the success I’ve seen as a result has been really significant. How do you feel about “fake it til you make it”? Because that’s where I feel I’m at in this point. Everything I do on the outside are the characteristics that you describe as the Good Unsafe, but on the inside, I still feel like a classic nice guy. It’s working as I’ve been dating a lot more, got a girlfriend (then broke up with her 2 months later because I didn’t feel chemistry) and all that. But I still feel I haven’t achieved a core identity level change. Being Good Unsafe still feels unnatural to me. I don’t want to have to think about being Good Unsafe. I just want to BE Good Unsafe? Not sure if I’m making any sense here, but any advice?”

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May 28 2012

Ask Me: “We Were Inseparable, But Then She Vanished”

datingwtf

Q: “I met a girl through work. We hit it off like wildfire and became inseparable after the second date. I’ve never had a girl be so infatuated with me. She even used that very word on more than one occasion. Anyway, it was the most blissful 6 weeks of my life. However, now that I’ve had time to evaluate, I think our relationship might have been ruining her school and work life. She expressed to me on one occasion that she had been showing up late, which I didn’t read much into at the time. Also, during our last week together she nearly had a meltdown about school stress. I couldn’t even look at her without her bursting into tears. I have the distinct feeling she was blowing off school work and spending every minute with me. Out of nowhere she began avoiding me. Looking back now, I know from our argument that she felt guilty not being able to hang out with me, so she was avoiding communication so she wouldn’t have to say no. Regardless, I was completely blind to all of this, so after 4 days, and a harsh response to my ‘what’s with the silent treatment’ text, I overreacted.

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