Ask Me: “We Were Inseparable, But Then She Vanished”

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Q: “I met a girl through work. We hit it off like wildfire and became inseparable after the second date. I’ve never had a girl be so infatuated with me. She even used that very word on more than one occasion. Anyway, it was the most blissful 6 weeks of my life. However, now that I’ve had time to evaluate, I think our relationship might have been ruining her school and work life. She expressed to me on one occasion that she had been showing up late, which I didn’t read much into at the time. Also, during our last week together she nearly had a meltdown about school stress. I couldn’t even look at her without her bursting into tears. I have the distinct feeling she was blowing off school work and spending every minute with me. Out of nowhere she began avoiding me. Looking back now, I know from our argument that she felt guilty not being able to hang out with me, so she was avoiding communication so she wouldn’t have to say no. Regardless, I was completely blind to all of this, so after 4 days, and a harsh response to my ‘what’s with the silent treatment’ text, I overreacted.

I called up and asked her why she was being a douche bag to me? The argument blew up, I knew I was completely wrong in the way I approached her and sincerely apologized before we hung up. A few days later I called and left a voice mail because I was feeling so bad for how I approached her. Anyway, that voice mail, two heartfelt emails and 12 days later it would seem she is never going to speak to me again. Should I just give up? I really feel for this girl and I know how much she liked me. Not to mention this is the first time we have ever argued, it seems crazy to give up over something so small. My other plan would be to wait until she done with the semester and try to contact again when her stress levels are lower. I know I screwed up, but it was the first time I had ever been rude to this girl, I just can’t see how she would never forgive me with how crazy she was about me.”

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A: You sound like a nice person, and I can tell that you feel terrible about what happened between you two. The short answer to this question is 1) No, don’t contact her again, 2) You became ‘safe’, and 3) Don’t feel so bad about how you handled the argument. I can understand why you reacted the way you did with her avoiding you. It’s frustrating. Here’s the long answer…

Also, during our last week together she nearly had a meltdown about school stress. I couldn’t even look at her without her bursting into tears. I have the distinct feeling she was blowing off school work and spending every minute with me. Out of nowhere she began avoiding me.

It *does* sound like she was stressed. It also sounds like while she did really like you to begin with, things could have changed. Maybe she was spending all that time with you to avoid thinking about school. Maybe you were a good distraction for her, but then like many distractions, it got old/boring after a while. Another possibility is that she was kind of.. intense? These things seem kind of unusual to me: 1) Her bursting into tears just by you looking at her, 2) Becoming inseparable after the second date, and 3) Avoiding you out of nowhere after spending so much time together. Sometimes people who are intense like to start things off very strongly but then also feel equally strongly about leaving.

I called up and asked her why she was being a douche bag to me? The argument blew up, I knew I was completely wrong in the way I approached her and sincerely apologized before we hung up. A few days later I called and left a voice mail because I was feeling so bad for how I approached her. Anyway, that voice mail, two heart felt emails and 12 days later it would seem she is never going to speak to me again. Should I just give up?

The key here is that you left a voice mail and two emails. She could have contacted you if she wanted to. You reached out. I would say “more than reached out” in fact. Could be interpreted as being needy. She knows how to use a phone and email. She was communicating perfectly well before, so by her not responding it seems pretty clear that she doesn’t want to talk to you right now. In future, I would contact a girl one time, then leave it up to her. Absolute maximum two times. Then stop. The end. More than that and you’ve moved dangerously into ‘safe’ territory. If she doesn’t contact you, it’s her loss. You move on.

I really feel for this girl and I know how much she liked me. Not to mention this is the first time we have ever argued, it seems crazy to give up over something so small.

Key word: LIKED. If she were still into you, she would have contacted you. You’ve made it very clear to her that you’re still interested. I agree, it seems crazy to give up over something so small, but maybe her feelings changed. Maybe she was never really that into you. Maybe she *was* really into you, but then changed her mind and was looking for an excuse to call it off. People who are into each other DO NOT give up over something so small. They work on their issues and try to sort things out because the relationship is worth it to them.

My other plan would be to wait until she done with the semester and try to contact again when her stress levels are lower.

I would refrain from doing so. I think you’ve done everything you can – apologized, called, emailed. I mean, what else can you do? There’s nothing else you *should* do. This whole thing has become one-sided (and it’s become safe for her). Check out Part 2: What you shouldn’t do if she breaks up with you to read more about this. Also, think about this: Let’s say you do call her after the semester is over. She answers, and she’s all happy to hear from you. You ask her what happened between you guys the last time. She says, “Sorry, I was so stressed out with school, etc. etc.”. To me, that’s not really a good reason. She could have had the decency to *not avoid you* to start off with, to respond to one of those emails earlier by saying, “Sorry, no longer interested,” or “Busy with school and can’t do a relationship right now,” or.. SOMETHING. If you guys had only been on a few dates and she stopped responding, then it wouldn’t have been as big a deal, but 6 weeks of being inseparable? That’s not nothing. You deserve a better explanation. I would not want to continue dating a person who blew me off like that – it shows me something about their character. You can do better. Find someone who genuinely wants to be with you, and who shows it in their actions. Actions, people. Actions speak louder than words.

In Part 4, I say, “really liking someone who has no real interest in reciprocating your interest… is a waste of time and the emotional fuckery that comes along with it is not worth it for me. I long ago adopted the attitude that if I’m into someone, and they’re not into me, it’s not worth my time to pursue it.” It might help to adopt this attitude. Not only will it save you the emotional bullshit and frustration that often comes with dating, it will also help you become more confident and self-assured (unsafe) – which, in turn, can have the positive outcome of helping you to attract more women. We like that kind of thing. Good luck!





One Response to “Ask Me: “We Were Inseparable, But Then She Vanished””

  • r2d2 Says:

    Interesting back and forth. Though sometimes I think that it’s hard to know if someone’s not into you even if it seems like they’re not. I’m talking over the relative short-term here. Especially when you’re just getting to know someone well, and if your social networks don’t really overlap, you just might not be reading them right. In that case, a combination of direct and indirect communication might work so that you don’t end up losing someone you like and who likes you, when you don’t have to.

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