Men know early on when they’ve met The One. Yes/No?


(OkCupid original post date: 5/17/12. The original post is called “Men, I need your opinion.”)

I thought this was interesting:


What Henry says about men and knowing early on – is this what all/most men think? I’ll give more context later. [What happened next was a bunch of people commented and said, no, what Henry says is bullshit].


Edit 1 (5/17/12): New question that has to do with the original topic: True or untrue – You’re a guy, you’re walking along a street, and you see a bunch of girls. You can easily differentiate between the girls you’d like to get to know better (you’re attracted to physically) and the girls who are “eh”. Now, from these girls you’re physically attracted to: can you tell within a short amount of time after talking to them if they are “long-term” potential or “short-term” potential? Long-term = you have respect for her. You want to do things for her. You want to make her happy. She makes you happy. Short-term = you’re not really feeling it, but she’s okay. No one you’d want to start a family with or anything. You don’t mind having sex with her and keeping her around, but YOU ALREADY KNOW it’s not going to go anywhere. You know this very early on.

I just talked to some of my male roommates about the passage and they said the wording is fucked up and they do not like the way Henry says “men do this, women do that, etc” but they do agree with his point, to a certain extent, about this “visceral feeling” (short-term vs long-term). The ‘commitment-phobe’ boyfriend in the example given was not mentally ‘long-terming’ the old girlfriend, but he was with the woman he married a year later. Meanwhile, the old girlfriend is ‘flabbergasted’ because she had no idea she was being mentally ‘short-termed’ the whole time.


Edit 2 (5/21/12): The quote was from a book called “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr Good Enough” by Lori Gottlieb. It came out 2 years ago and was met with much controversy. Some people agreed with her, some not at all, but pretty much every website I regularly visit had an opinion. I’m finally getting a chance to read the book now. The reason I asked about that specific passage above is because I read it, and I was like “That seems odd. Do men REALLY think that?” So then I emailed it to a male friend, with no context added, and asked him if he agreed. He got on chat and we talked about it.

Here’s part of the conversation: (edited for grammar/readability)

him: I agree, more or less.

me: Really. Very interesting.

him: I mean, in a basic way. It’s some kind of a gut instinct. I kind of think this is why some men have really high standards, including me. There were a few girls who were pretty into me who I could have dated but didn’t.

me: Yeah.

him: But basically I think a lot of safe guys think about the long term potential which is why they have trouble. They are picky. And the girls they would choose won’t have them.

me: High standards.

him: They want to pick a girl that they would want to marry.

me: I see. Not just date and fuck around with.

him: Right. So they reject the potential advances from the less “perfect” girls, even though they could just date those girls for a while then move on.

That conversation was interesting to me because this friend was basically saying that some men do exactly what Lori Gottlieb was saying in her book that WOMEN do. He had no idea where the passage was from, but basically regurgitated her main argument – that some women keep waiting for “Mr. Perfect 10″ to come along, but this phantom person who meets all of the requirements on their ridiculous check-lists (eg. taller than 5’10” but less than 6′) never comes along. They end up 40, 50 and alone while their friends get married to the loving, caring types they gave up due to some superficial/not-important-for-the-long-run reason.

His response (not knowing the source of the passage) also aligns with many comments from this post that “people are people” and just because they are men or women doesn’t mean they think a certain way. For the most part, I agree, and don’t have any friends, guys or girls, who fit into very stereotypical male/female roles. This book, indeed, could have been called, “Marry Her: The Case for Settling for Ms Good Enough” and another book I mentioned before, “He’s Just Not That Into You” could have been “She’s Just Not That Into You” with a bit of editing. The safe/unsafe chart is applicable to women too – I don’t think many guys are attracted to clingy, needy, or manipulate girls either.

Having said that, I have talked to people, including a few on OkCupid, who DO think all men do/think this, all women do/think that. I’m not completing dismissing them, because there are *some* things/ways of thinking that do seem more women or male oriented. For the most part, though, I think these people use gender as an excuse when things don’t go their way. These are the same people who also say “men and women can’t truly be platonic friends”, “women only want to date assholes”, “all men are assholes”, or “women only wear make-up for men.” I have issues with all of those statements, but they’ll have to be for a future post.

2 Responses to “Men know early on when they’ve met The One. Yes/No?”

  • geminiunleashed Says:

    I’ll personally date a woman below my standards in an attempt to attract one that I want to be with permanently. Why? Because a lot of women are attracted to already taken men. It raises my value in their eyes, which in turn raises my chances

  • mightymouse67 Says:

    I like the way Dan Savage puts it, that there is no “one”, people just find a .76 or .83 and round them up to one. No one is perfect, if you go into the dating world with the kind of mindset of looking for “the one” no matter who you are you will be disappointed. Even as a male I have noticed the way girls are brought up to “find a man”, which isn’t to say that guys aren’t just as misled. There is still so much sexism and crazy gender-role type attitude in the world. I am mostly “safe” I guess, which keeps me from being considered attractive to some women who were brought up to believe that men can’t be emotional. But alas I’m generalizing, mostly from the women I’ve come into contact with in high school and college. Moral of the story; everybody should listen to Dan Savages podcast and read the stranger.

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