Part 2: What you shouldn’t do if she breaks up with you

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(OkCupid original post date: 4/13/12)

Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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I’ve been thinking about what I wrote yesterday about nice guys and dating, and one thing I’d really like to emphasize is that learning how to be “unsafe” is not only beneficial for you to get girls, but also for your own sake. It’s very healthy to be your own person and not let someone have too much power over you. It will help you in the long run too, if a relationship doesn’t work out.

An example: I have this friend on Facebook, who’s more like a friend of a friend, and I’ve only ever chatted with him once. Let’s call him Ty. At the time of our conversation, Ty had never been in a relationship before. He was the embodiment of a “safe” guy. Fast forward 6 months or so, and he’s met a girl. She’s substantially more attractive than he is, and isn’t shy about posting photos of herself posing in midriff tops and bikinis. Every other day or so, Ty would update his status saying how much he loves this girl, how this is the happiest he’s ever been, and how waking up to her beautiful face was the best part of his day. I’m thinking, “Shit, this is not going to end well if they break up.”

The relationship lasts for about a year. She breaks up with him. How do I know? Because now every day there is a new status update about how he can’t stop thinking about her, that she was the best thing that ever happened to him, and that the only way to stop thinking about her is to drink. Even an update about how he knows that he’s “being a pussy” but doesn’t care. All these posts are public to the world, which means she can read them. This goes on for months, and includes a status update saying that the girl already has another boyfriend. I feel sorry for Ty. I can tell he’s a good person with many friends who care about him because people are posting on his wall, trying to give him advice, and offering to talk to him on the phone if he needs it.

If I knew this guy better, this is what I would have told him: If you want any kind of chance of getting this girl back, you really need to stop with the status updates. The neediness. Take a step back. Chill. This girl had way too much power over him and she knew it. She probably didn’t want it, and it could have killed the attraction. Of course, I don’t know the whole story and I’m speculating, but I’m going on what I know about girls in general. Girls I know don’t like it when a guy is so into her that he gives up a part of himself and would completely lose it if she broke up with him. It’s like a guy cutting off his own balls and handing them to the girl. The relationship becomes incredibly mundane, predictable, and it’s just like, “Do you really have that little autonomy that everything you do, and your overall happiness, is dependent on me?”

That is not healthy, and totally goes against the characteristics of being an unsafe guy (again: being your own person, not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you). If Ty exhibited some unsafe characteristics, the relationship might have stood a chance, and even if it didn’t, he would have had an easier time getting over it because he would have had a firmer grip/more power over his own life.

If you feel like a girl you’re dating is pulling away, you can do one of two things: Try to convince her to stay, call/text/email her all the time, tell her how much you love her and can’t live without her, and hope she understands how you feel and will take you back. If she’s already lost her attraction to you, this will only drive her further away. If she hasn’t, it probably will. It’s just too much. It’s giving her power that she doesn’t want. It’s annoying her and she’s probably texting her girlfriends saying things like “he won’t leave me alone.” The next thing you know, she’s moved on.

The second thing you can do is to take a step back. Respect her space, and don’t smother her. Take it easy. You might be thinking about her all day, but keep it to yourself. Tell her she can call you if she wants to talk. In the meantime, reassess. What went wrong in the relationship? Sometimes people are just incompatible, and that’s okay. Maybe you didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe she’s just ready to move on to another chapter in her life, one that doesn’t include you. It could be a million reasons, but at this point in time, it’s not really in your control. If you suspect early on that she’s losing interest, it’s possible that you became too safe and she started losing her attraction to you. So what can you do?

You give her space, tell her to think about it and to call you when she’s ready and then YOU ACTUALLY DO JUST THAT. Leave her alone. If she calls and you’re busy, let it go to voicemail and call her back later. Live your life. Don’t drop everything for her. Two things can result: a) Your independence and “unsafeness” re-attracts her and you guys reconnect, or b) she’s over the relationship by this time already and leaves/never calls you. If she wants to be with you, she will find a way to contact you.

If she leaves, you know you handled it like an adult and not like a needy stalker. You’ll feel better about yourself later on, and she will respect you for it. Then in the next relationship, you work on yourself, work at developing more unsafe characteristics into your personality, and if that relationship doesn’t work out, you know what? You’ll be okay, because you are your own god damn person who does not need to give all your power to a girl to feel good about yourself. Continue until you find someone you want to be with forever (if that’s your end goal). It doesn’t have to end like Ty’s story each time.





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