May 31 2012

A Message to Redditors

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Many updates, but first, a message for people on the FA:Improvement and Seddit forums on Reddit. Holy crap guys. Do you want to know what happened after my blog was linked to Reddit? This is what happened:

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May 31 2012

Ask Me: “Being Unsafe: Should I Fake It Until I Make It?”

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Q: “I used to be a classic nice guy, but in the last months I’ve been radically changing all of that and the success I’ve seen as a result has been really significant. How do you feel about “fake it til you make it”? Because that’s where I feel I’m at in this point. Everything I do on the outside are the characteristics that you describe as the Good Unsafe, but on the inside, I still feel like a classic nice guy. It’s working as I’ve been dating a lot more, got a girlfriend (then broke up with her 2 months later because I didn’t feel chemistry) and all that. But I still feel I haven’t achieved a core identity level change. Being Good Unsafe still feels unnatural to me. I don’t want to have to think about being Good Unsafe. I just want to BE Good Unsafe? Not sure if I’m making any sense here, but any advice?”

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May 28 2012

Ask Me: “We Were Inseparable, But Then She Vanished”

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Q: “I met a girl through work. We hit it off like wildfire and became inseparable after the second date. I’ve never had a girl be so infatuated with me. She even used that very word on more than one occasion. Anyway, it was the most blissful 6 weeks of my life. However, now that I’ve had time to evaluate, I think our relationship might have been ruining her school and work life. She expressed to me on one occasion that she had been showing up late, which I didn’t read much into at the time. Also, during our last week together she nearly had a meltdown about school stress. I couldn’t even look at her without her bursting into tears. I have the distinct feeling she was blowing off school work and spending every minute with me. Out of nowhere she began avoiding me. Looking back now, I know from our argument that she felt guilty not being able to hang out with me, so she was avoiding communication so she wouldn’t have to say no. Regardless, I was completely blind to all of this, so after 4 days, and a harsh response to my ‘what’s with the silent treatment’ text, I overreacted.

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May 27 2012

Part 8: Getting out of the friend-zone

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Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Part A: Nice and safe.

Ah, the dreaded friend-zone. The nice guy’s greatest adversary. But, do not fret. Today’s thoughts are about how you can get out of the friend-zone. It happens, all the time. How do I know this? Because some of the guys I’ve dated/had relations with started out as friends. I’ve also heard quite a few “how we met” stories where the woman “changed her mind” about a guy she originally friend-zoned.

I’ll start with a story: the story of how I met my current partner, a person who is very much a ‘nice guy’. I mentioned in a previous post, “I met the person I’m currently dating in our college dorm. He was a grad student, I was an undergrad, and we were across-the-hall neighbors. This wasn’t your typical college dorm. There was a good mix of upper-division undergrads, grads, and post-docs, and about half the residents were international students.” So let’s carry on from there.

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May 24 2012

How to Make Your OkCupid Profile Interesting and Readable

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(OkCupid original post date: 3/1/08)

I’ve found myself bitching about this lately on OkCupid, so I’ll just write about it and be done with it.

So I’m not exactly a connoisseur on this (in fact, people have told me I should change/update my own profile, but I don’t really care since I’m not using this site to find dates) but I know what interests me and what makes me read a profile in its entirely.

It is so incredibly rare that I find good ones that I actually message people with profiles that I REALLY like to tell them so.

Rule #1: Show, Don’t Tell

Remember at school, how when you wrote stories, your teachers always told you this? “Jane walked to class. She was sad and mad. She had just caught her boyfriend and best friend cheating on her, and now Jane was completely alone.” Boring. Do we care about Jane? Do we give a shit who she is? No.

“As Jane walked to class, she could feel the wind whipping the tears across her face. The darkening sky smirked at her, threatening to unleash a storm at will. Jane walked faster, thinking about what had happened. She tried to erase the image of Jack, her boyfriend, and Sarah, her best friend, entangled on his couch. His pants pulled to his knees. Running his fingers through her soft, brown hair. Her, on top of him, shining with sweat.” So the second one is not perfect either, but it’s more interesting, right? It’s more descriptive and makes you wonder more than the first one. The same thing goes for profiles.

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May 22 2012

Part 1: “Safe” guys vs. “Unsafe” guys

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(OkCupid original post date: 4/12/12)

For reference – the safe/unsafe chart, which originated in Part 7:

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Please, if you’re the type of guy who’s like, “All girls just want to date assholes. Nice guys always finish last. Girls are bitches,” then don’t read this. It’s not going to help. It might be helpful if you’re actually a nice guy and don’t just think you are one. Because actual nice guys don’t think like that.

“Be confident. Women are attracted to guys who have confidence.”

What does that actually mean? I keep hearing this and it’s not very specific or informative. Confidence. There are so many ways this can be interpreted. You could be an amazing guitar player, excellent at killing zombies online, have a PhD and numerous publications, or be the best damn cook you know. In these cases, you’re probably very confident at what you do. But these skills do not necessarily equate to being able to attract girls. Confidence in dating is something different, and there are certain traits that convey this confidence. I’ll try to explain… Continue reading


May 22 2012

Part 2: What you shouldn’t do if she breaks up with you

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(OkCupid original post date: 4/13/12)

Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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I’ve been thinking about what I wrote yesterday about nice guys and dating, and one thing I’d really like to emphasize is that learning how to be “unsafe” is not only beneficial for you to get girls, but also for your own sake. It’s very healthy to be your own person and not let someone have too much power over you. It will help you in the long run too, if a relationship doesn’t work out.

An example: I have this friend on Facebook, who’s more like a friend of a friend, and I’ve only ever chatted with him once. Let’s call him Ty. At the time of our conversation, Ty had never been in a relationship before. He was the embodiment of a “safe” guy. Fast forward 6 months or so, and he’s met a girl. She’s substantially more attractive than he is, and isn’t shy about posting photos of herself posing in midriff tops and bikinis. Every other day or so, Ty would update his status saying how much he loves this girl, how this is the happiest he’s ever been, and how waking up to her beautiful face was the best part of his day. I’m thinking, “Shit, this is not going to end well if they break up.”

The relationship lasts for about a year. She breaks up with him. How do I know? Continue reading


May 22 2012

Part 3: How to figure out if the friend you like actually likes you back

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(OkCupid original post date: 4/30/12)

You know that girl you like? The one you see at work/have the same class with but you’re just friends? You want it to be more, but you’re unsure about how she feels about you, and you don’t want to wreck a good friendship if it turns out she’s not into you. Here’s a tip for finding out without making things weird between you two. Continue reading


May 22 2012

Part 4: Go in expecting nothing, and you might come out with something

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(OkCupid original post date: 5/2/12)

Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Today’s thoughts are about shifting your expectations and how this can result in attracting women. It involves the concept of people wanting things that are rare. The goal is for you to be rare, which is the opposite of being common, or easily available. Continue reading


May 22 2012

Part 5: How is what you’re writing any different from every other technique out there?

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(OkCupid original post date: 5/3/12)

Regarding comparisons to all the other dating techniques out there (from a comment in another post): Yes, I agree. Many of the ideas are the same, especially about ‘playing it cool’ and stuff. I haven’t read The Game, but have heard enough about it that I get the gist. I saw one episode of Mystery’s VH1 TV show many years ago, and I also accidentally listened to a CD called “The Art of Seduction” which was in a used car an ex-boyfriend bought.

I feel like the biggest difference between what I’m writing and the others is that 1) I think it’s fucked up to get women by making them feel bad about themselves, and 2) I am trying to emphasize that you should be genuine in your actions. Continue reading