Jun 25 2012

Part 11: Physical appearance + insecurities + confidence

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Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Let’s talk about physical appearance. I’m not going to say that looks aren’t important. If you’re a good-looking dude with a nice body who dresses well, you’re going to get more attention from women. Attractive women also get more attention from men, that’s a no-brainer. But here’s the part where I say, “Looks aren’t everything,” and I absolutely mean it. I’ve come across a few guys in my life where I have thought, “Not if you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman and the future of the world depended on us.” Guess what? Who cares what I thought. These guys were still getting women. And not just women, but attractive women. I saw it with my own eyes.

Some of these guys did not have nice-looking faces. Some were way shorter than average. Some were overweight. Some had uni-brows. Some were a combination of all that. It did not matter. These guys did not have difficulties with women. You know how sometimes when you see a couple together you’re like, “How in the world did he get her?” Yeah, I’m talking about those guys.

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Jun 13 2012

Part 10: The importance of sexual tension in “closing” or “sealing the deal”

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Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Can you believe this is post 10 and I’m still coming up with shit to write about on this topic? Since I am, let’s make this one a little more sexy to celebrate.

So let’s talk about sexual tension. You’ve likely come across this term before, and may have heard it being described as the “sparks,” “electricity,” or “chemistry” between two people. Let me try to explain to you what strong sexual tension actually feels like. Imagine that you’re watching a porno or reading some erotic fiction, and it’s good stuff. You *really* want to reach down and beat your meat, but your hands are chained to your chair and no matter what you do, you can’t move your hands closer. Sounds like torture, doesn’t it?

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May 27 2012

Part 8: Getting out of the friend-zone

datingwtf

Quick vocab lesson if you didn’t read the first post about nice guys:

“Safe” – Predictable, caring, very nice guys who you know will drop everything to be with you, eager to please, very sweet. The type of guy you’d want to have a family with – good father, dependable, doesn’t cheat, etc. The type of guy who often ends up in the friend zone.

“Unsafe” – It’s about being your own person. Not being needy, being independent, being self-assured, making your own decisions, and not caring so much about what other people think about you. Someone who doesn’t need a lot of validation from others and has an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Part A: Nice and safe.

Ah, the dreaded friend-zone. The nice guy’s greatest adversary. But, do not fret. Today’s thoughts are about how you can get out of the friend-zone. It happens, all the time. How do I know this? Because some of the guys I’ve dated/had relations with started out as friends. I’ve also heard quite a few “how we met” stories where the woman “changed her mind” about a guy she originally friend-zoned.

I’ll start with a story: the story of how I met my current partner, a person who is very much a ‘nice guy’. I mentioned in a previous post, “I met the person I’m currently dating in our college dorm. He was a grad student, I was an undergrad, and we were across-the-hall neighbors. This wasn’t your typical college dorm. There was a good mix of upper-division undergrads, grads, and post-docs, and about half the residents were international students.” So let’s carry on from there.

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Aug 15 2013

Part 14: I’m a virgin. How do I talk about this with women?

datingwtf

The following is part of a series of questions and answers that I did on a Reddit self-improvement forum in Aug 2013.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Q: How do I answer the question: “Why are you still a virgin?” when the answer is simply no one ever wanted to have sex with me, which is apparently the wrong answer. Also, I refuse to lie. This question is always brought up when I’m talking to a girl and she eventually starts talking about ex-bfs then asks about my ex’s, I say I don’t have any, then asks if I’ve ever been on a date, the answer is no, then this leads to asking if I’ve ever had sex.”

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Feb 3 2013

Part 13: Social Anxiety

datingwtf

The following is part of a series of questions and answers that I did on a Reddit self-improvement forum in Jan 2013. This was a question from user mcthrowawaymyes, and the response is the one that created the Reddit craziness. Answer has been edited slightly for clarity.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Q: It seems that one of the big steps of FA improvement is simultaneously not caring as much about others opinions and developing self confidence and a positive self image. The usual advice is that picking up hobbies or getting good at SOMETHING will give you the confidence you need and free you from trying to please others, put them on the pedestal, etc. It’s my belief that hobbies and a lifestyle are means to an end, and effective tools, but they themselves don’t have the power to make you grow into the person you want to be. I feel they’re just a guide to some philosophy, some train of thought that lays out the facts of life clearly and puts things in perspective, making you realize how little the opinion of strangers matter (in day to day interactions), and how you’re a person that is deserving of love and respect.

I consciously know these things, but I don’t believe them. I don’t feel like a “viable” choice. Second rate. What has your experience taught you? Any line of thought like I was suggesting, or something different, something subconscious? If so, what was it?

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Jan 21 2013

Part 12: The Jessica Example

datingwtf

The following is part of a series of questions and answers that I did on a Reddit self-improvement forum in Jan 2013. This was a question from user shakedown_st. Answer has been edited slightly for clarity.

Also, for reference: The safe/unsafe chart.

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Q: Hi Anna, thanks for doing this AMA [Ask Me Anything] on our little subreddit.

I made a post that garnered a lot of attention here. There is one part that a lot of people, particularly women, seemed to take issue with and I’ll highlight it here.

Let’s take a hypothetical situation: It’s 3:52pm. You have plans to lift in the gym from 4pm to 5pm. All of a sudden your crush calls you up on the phone crying. She got into another fight with her boyfriend and instinctively called you because you’ve always been there for her during those times. You’re a sensitive guy, and girls like that, right? So you think, I need to be there for her right now. Maybe now she’ll realize I’m the guy she’s supposed to be with. You think you can skip this one workout and make it up on an off-day or something. You tell her everything is going to be okay and that you’ll be over to her place in 10 minutes.

Cue cycle of Forever Alone.

Let’s rewind to 3:52pm. You’ve been working on self improvement for two or three weeks now. You’ve read No More Mr. Nice Guy and the posts in the sidebar. You’ve started to see things a little differently — recognizing patterns in your own behavior that needs to change for the better. You’re about to tell her that you’ll be over there in 10 minutes, when you suddenly catch yourself. No, not this time. “That’s tough Jessica. I understand you’re going through a difficult time right now, but I’m running late to the gym. Afterwards, I’m headed out with Ryan and Chris for a jam session. I’m sure you and your boyfriend will get through this, but unfortunately I gotta go.” As a classic forever alone nice guy, it is almost impossible to wrap your head around this…But you are a better and more attractive man in this second scenario, than you are the first. And you are not being an asshole either. You are just a busy man with obligations, hobbies, interests that you love doing and that take precedence over some girl’s emotional distress.

I was honestly thinking about your blog when I wrote this. That the guy in the two hypothetical situations represented the ‘bad safe’ vs. ‘good unsafe’ respectively. What are your thoughts on this?

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Jan 21 2013

Reddit Craziness

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A few days ago I did an AMA (Ask Me Anything) on the Reddit forum Forever Alone Improvement. Redditor shakedown_st submitted one of my responses from that AMA to the BestOf forum, and things kind of went a little crazy from there. The post got a lot of feedback, ended up in the top of BestOf, then on Reddit’s front page. More craziness ensued. This little blog has received over 34,000 hits in the last 2 days, and many people have sent messages with comments and questions.

My goal for today is post the answers from the AMA here, and to respond to as many messages as I can. Thanks for visiting and sharing your own stories. It might take me some time, but I’ll try to read everything from the comments. Here’s something I learned from this experience: A shitload of people have social anxiety. If you’re one of those people, you’re not alone, by far.


Jan 6 2013

Ask Me: “When is it a good time to ask someone you meet online out on a date?”

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Q: “Hi, I don’t know if you handle relationship inquiries at all, but I had one for you that is specific to OkCupid. A friend of mine who’s been using the site for a while was giving me advice and helping me create the profile, and when he checked in about my progress, I told him that I’d received some messages, but no dates had materialized. I’ve generally been asking people to meet up after the first couple of messages, and he said that’s where I was going wrong.

My issue is this- I am on OkCupid to meet people, in person. I think of this site as the equivalent of walking down the street- you see someone pretty and if its appropriate you walk over, introduce yourself and ask them if they would like join you for drinks sometime. I don’t want to waste a lot of time exchanging messages with people, because I think that the fun of dating is asking/answering all these questions face to face. Also, you get to keep things a mystery that way- where you reveal things but its in the context of “we’re already out on a date…” So, in your opinion, when’s the best time to suggest a face-to-face meetup?”

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Jul 1 2012

Quickies

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(OkCupid original post date: 6/27/12)

Men: You know what’s hot? When guys wear long-sleeved shirts (button-ups, sweaters, etc) and they push up/roll up the sleeves so their forearms show. Hot. Some other women I’ve told this to feel the same way. Weird but true.

Women: Are you trying to train your hair/bangs/fringe to part a certain way (left or right)? Part it in the shower when your hair’s all wet, right before you get out. It makes the hair stay in that direction so much easier because the water weighs it down and kinda sets your hair in that position.

Random: Yesterday I was listening to the radio in the car, on my way to a high school to pick up one of the kids I mentor. This song comes on that is pretty interesting, like a mix between Journey and Kings of Leon. I SoundHound it on my phone and it’s something called “It’s Time” by Imagine Dragons. The song ends, and I’m a little sad because I was really enjoying it. Then some crap music comes on, and I’m channel flipping, flipping, flipping. I find “Name” by the Goo Goo Dolls which is almost over, but whatever. It’s still a good song. I listen to it, it ends, then a new song comes on. It’s the Imagine Dragons song again. So. Awesome. I roll up to the high school and my kid gets into the car just as the song ends, and we have a fantastic meeting (and not just because I’m in a good mood because of the song). The end.


Jun 20 2012

The Best Sexual Lubricant

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The Best and Coolest things – Coconut Oil as a Sexual Lubricant

I’m starting something new. I’m going to be doing reviews of things I like. The way I go about buying most things is I spend a few hours researching and reading reviews, then buy the things that are a good cross between being affordable and working decently. Some things are not as easy to judge by reading online reviews, so then I try a bunch of different things in that category until I find something that’s great. The initial time/effort spent researching pays off because then I usually end up with something that works well.

coconut oil

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Jun 12 2012

The Best Way to Clean Up After Sex

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The Best & Coolest Things – Huggies Natural Care Fragrance Free Baby Wipes

I’m starting something new. I’m going to be doing reviews of things I like. The way I go about buying most things is I spend a few hours researching and reading reviews, then buy the things that are a good cross between being affordable and working decently. Some things are not as easy to judge by reading online reviews, so then I try a bunch of different things in that category until I find something that’s great. The initial time/effort spent researching pays off because then I usually end up with something that works well.

Since the first thing I reviewed was the best condom, I thought it would be fitting to review something that goes hand-in-hand with that. So you know how after you have sex, and you’re both kind of gooey? You could go take a shower straight away, but that’s no fun because then you don’t get to enjoy the post-orgasmic bliss period. You could also do a quick wipe up with tissues, but tissues don’t really completely take away the gooey feeling.

So. The best solution I have come up with are baby wipes. They are really cheap and don’t shred like tissues, so you actually use less of them. They are also wet enough to wipe up the goo (his and hers) without having to take a shower straight away, so you can enjoy cuddling/passing out/smoking a cig/whatever you do after sex without feeling icky. Okay, now let’s get to *which* baby wipes. Not all baby wipes were created equally, and I’ve tried a bunch of them.

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